Tubby Watch--Funniest Take So Far

This is Clay Travis. He writes for cbssportsline.com/spin. He is not a serious "sports journalist" per se, but he is almost always entertaining. You may remember his earlier column about his trip to Commonwealth Stadium or his sadness at the passing of JP Sports. Click on the title for his take on the Tubby Smith situation. If you're too lazy, here's a funny part:

Without further ado, here's 12 Internet wolves circling Tubby Smith:
1. Tubby hires a private investigator to follow Kentucky AD Mitch Barnhart wherever he goes.
2. Calls Kentucky football coach Rich Brooks for advice on how to get his team to play with passion.
3. Obsessively monitors the arrival and departure of every Kentucky plane on FlightAware, where fans now track athletic department planes in an effort to divine who the next head coach might be.
4. Calls Ramel "Smooth" Bradley and Joe Crawford into his office. Stares at them for 10 minutes without speaking and then says, simply, "Y'all trying to kill me," before dismissing them and slowly swiveling around in circles in his leather chair while staring at the ceiling.
5. Instead of diagramming plays on his dry-erase board during timeouts, he stabs a photograph of Rick Pitino repeatedly between the eyes with a dart while his team watches.
6. Calls Billy Packer occasionally to confirm the 'Cats actually won the 1998 national championship. Then asks Packer to tell him the story about how he got the nickname Tubby, since Packer hasn't been able to tell this story in the Final Four since 1998.
7. Adopts the moniker TubbyRulz and obsessively defends himself on CatsPause.com.
8. Keeps track of obscure game stats like "Number of times one of my players gave me the crazy eye" and "Amount of feet between me and the backstabbing AD" and "How many Escalades can Daddy buy with the contract buyout money?"
9. Watches NBA games and wistfully sighs while thinking over and over again, "I should have left when they still loved me." Until Rajon Rondo's Boston Celtics play. Then he thinks, "I hope the next 3 you brick comes off the rim so hard it knocks you out."
10. Telephones Jeff Shepherd while he watches old film from the 1998 NCAA tourney run, yet hangs up each time Shepherd answers.
11. Contemplates replacing next year's Midnight Madness festivity, if he's still coach, with a giant-screen replay of Kentucky's last-second loss to Duke in 1992. That'll show them what real pain is.
12. Occasionally wakes his wife in the middle of the night and asks, "Ashley Judd still likes me, right?" When his wife confirms this fact he then asks, "These Internet crazies, these anonymous posters who want me gone, they can't really bring me down, can they?"